If I Ran the Zoom (with apologies to You-Know-Wheuss)

There’s no doubt about it,

this Zoom thing is booming

and folks of all ages

now find themselves zooming.

Folks at all levels

of tech expertise

are now choosing virtual

backgrounds with ease.

In wonderful ways 

It brings us all together

No need for commuting

or worry ‘bout weather

And once we login,

we settle in our square.

And though we are here

we can also be there.

It’s awesome! It’s magic!

with just a few glitches

inspiring head-scratches

(and not ‘cause it itches.)

There’s just a few snags

with this virtual room

that cause me to wonder,

“If I ran the Zoom…”

If I ran the Zoom,

there would be a few changes:

suggested improvements,

some real re-arranges.

Put noisy non-muters

in one breakout room

where no one could unmute

if I ran the Zoom

And people who wander

with video on,

who show us their ceilings

and pieces of lawn 

would be made to sit there

and see what we do…

And then we’d forgive them

‘cause we’ve done it, too.

For most of the glitches

aren’t people-related

They’re in Zoom itself

even if we’ve upgraded.

Sometimes the upgrade

sets settings awry 

What? Where? And just how?

Our is not to ask why.

We go to our app

or the web site or which?

Ours not to ask why,

but we do get to bitch.

What else can we do

when the meeting is going

and bombers break in

and some porn is now showing.

When we’re rid of that

(and still feeling unclean)

we now cannot even

share our freakin’ screen.

Or we can share our screen

but the sound is not on,

so we “stop share,” start over,

while folks start to yawn.

But we do; we keep trying

for the folks in our room.

It would just go much smoother

if I ran the Zoom

We would not mess with settings.

We would just need to think it.

If we mentioned a resource,

Zoom would expertly link it.

We would not count on wi-fi

to keep us online,

for the web of existence

would connect us just fine.

We could see every person

with no need to scroll.

Every person would count

in the new, improved poll.

I would somehow be able

to always convey

just how grateful I am

we can join in this way.

Folks could come and could go

and there’d always be room

and someone to talk to, 

if I ran the Zoom.

With its snags and it quirks

and its “virtual spaces,”

I do have to say

Zoom just offers more places

where people are people

(doing what people do).

But people are people

and that is good, too.

Though we can’t be together,

we can join in one room.

What more could I ask for

if I ran the Zoom?.

Healthscare

Though Paul Ryan has been tryin'
seems the healthcare bill's a mess.
But the President is confident
he's changing "no's" to "yes."

So the wealthy will be healthy
while the poor receive "access."
We'll just lose the "care" in "healthcare"
so we can build more bombs, I guess.

Excerpts from Famous Speeches #2: Imagining "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You" as performed by President Donald Trump

[Original text]
In the long history of the world--and it's been a long history, right? extremely long, this world has been around a long long time--in the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shrink from this responsibility — I welcome it. I welcome it. Maximum danger doesn't bother me. I'm not one to shrink. Some people shrink, you know? They see danger and they hide. They shrink. Look at Nordstrom's. A little pressure. They shrink. Shameful, how they treated my daughter, Ivanka. Yeah, she's really something, and what a beauty, that one. If I weren't happily married and, ya know, her father...(Was that bad?) But Nordstrom's, they shrink. The judges. They see a little danger, a little controversy; they shrink. The media. The New York Times. Lie. They lie. They shrink and they lie. I welcome it. You won't find me shrinking. So I welcome it, I do. I won't shrink. That's how I won the election. You all wanted someone who wouldn't shrink. And you got him...

The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavor will light our country and all who serve it —our country and all who serve it, not those who are coming here who want to kill us, not the criminals and the bad hombres carrying drugs that are coming in by the millions over our border...Our country and all who serve it and if you don't want to serve it, we don't want you here.

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you — ask: what have you got to lose? Really. Think about it. What the hell have you got to lose?

My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you. Quit asking for handouts and start paying your own way. Quit taking advantage of us; those days are over. I said it and I will say, those days are over. Bye bye. Ask not what America will do for you. Ain't happening.

Excerpts from Famous Speeches #1: Imagining "I Have Been to the Mountaintop" as performed by President Donald Trump

[Original text]

Well, I don't know what will happen now. Nobody knows. Nobody knows what’s happening. We have got to figure out what’s happening. We have got to stop everything from happening until we figure out what the hell is going on.

We've got some difficult days ahead. Very very difficult. More difficult than you can even imagine. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I will fix it. That’s what I do; I fix things. Difficulty does not bother me.

Because I've been to the mountaintop. Did ya know that? To the very top of the mountain. Way up there. The lying media won’t report it, but I’ve been there. All the way up there. Very few people—maybe nobody else—has been there, but I’ve been to the mountaintop. That was the reason I got elected. People heard me say I was going up there. People said, you’re not going all the way up there, are you? Nobody goes all the way up. I say, yeah. Heights don’t bother me. 

And I don't mind. I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. Right? You all like God, right? The big guy. Very very important book, the Bible. Extremely important. God wrote a bestseller there. Better even than The Art of the Deal. Better, and there’s no other book I would say that about.

And God—right? God—God’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. Not many people get to do that, or can do that, but there I am, I’m up there and I’m looking over. And I've seen the promised land. There it was. And I can tell you, it is promised. Very very promised land right there.

I may not get there with you. But, seriously folks, it wouldn’t be the same without me, would it? I mean, I’m the one telling you about it. I’m the one making all this happen. I’m the one making sure we get there. That’s why I won the election. That’s why I had millions of people at every rally. So should I be there with you? [To crowd] Whaddya think? [Cheers] Yes, I should be there. But I may not get there with you. We’ll see. You’ll find out when it happens. I know that people want me there. They say, you’ve got to be there.

But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land because of what I’ve done and what I can do. I know how to get things done. And I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about anything, because this is what I do. I'm not fearing any man or any so-called judge or any dishonest reporter. Mine eyes—mine eyes it says, that means my eyes, the eyes of Donald J. Trump—mine eyes have seen the glory—right? glory? lotsa glory, extremely glorious, what I see—I’ve seen the glory of the coming of the Lord…

The Right to Speech Formerly Known as "Free"

Money is speech
An apple's a peach
The Court is a circus
And life is a beach

Speech is money
I know it sounds funny
But finances permitting
The forecast is sunny

The Gospel Reading for Today

"There are people who are trying to attack success and are trying to attack our success; that's not going to be successful," Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney said in an interview to air Thursday on CNN's "Piers Morgan Tonight."

I'd like to personally applaud Mr. Romney for successfully making it through that sentence.

Romney's personal wealth is estimated at 256 million.

From the New Revised Substandard Version of the Holy Bible

The Gospel According to St. Mitt, 11: 1-10:

(see Matthew 19:16-24; Mark 10:17-25; Luke 18:18-26)

A certain rich candidate asked him, “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? I don’t have a thing. You are the successful one. You must be doing something right.” The rich man replied, “But shall I sell all that I have and give the money to the poor and follow you?” Jesus looked at him and said, “How hard it is to have amassed the wealth that you have. It must have been harder to do that than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. Enjoy your success, for it is a sign of my Father’s blessing…not to suggest that you needed any help, for surely it was by your own efforts that you became so rich.”

“Rather,” said Jesus, as he turned to the throngs of poor people that had gathered, “let all of you give what you have to this successful man and rejoice in the reflected light of his wealth. For to those who have much, more shall be given; while to those who have little, even the little they have will be taken away.”

Hell No, Dalai

There is an article making the rounds in which the Dalai Lama (apparently) supports (or at least does not condemn) the assassination of Osama bin Laden. I think that it is a great mistake to make too much of this.

I hesitate to tread much further. There is probably no greater icon of compassion than the Dalai Lama, admired by people across many different religions, political views, and cultural backgrounds. Who am I to questions his pronouncements? How can I possibly challenge the smiling saint's profundity? Is this what Christopher Hitchens felt like when he began his attack on Mother Teresa? (I doubt it. I imagine that Hitchens enjoyed it all immensely, and felt little or no trepidation. I feel a great amount of trepidation, but I must also admit to a tiny thrill; I don't often display such chutzpah).

Actually, I'm not criticizing nor challenging the profundity of the Dalai Lama. There are many factors to consider. For one thing, the article has only a very small excerpt of his words. Context and clarification are issues. Second, there is the question of precise translation. What I am really challenging is the spin that is put on the words that were chosen for the report. And if it turns out that the Dalai Lama agrees with how the article is using his words...well, then, maybe I am challenging him.

Let me state it flatly: I do not find the quotation attributed to the Dalai Lama even slightly profound or insightful. If anyone else had said it, I think it would have been just one more vague post amongst the millions posted on the subject from people doing their best to make sense of this event.

From the article:

As a human being, Bin Laden may have deserved compassion and even forgiveness, the Dalai Lama said in answer to a question about the assassination of the Al Qaeda leader.

As a human being? What other category might bin Laden fit in? And if he has somehow sunk below humanity based on his crimes, why waste precious breath talking about the forgiveness he deserves. As a human being, bin Laden deserves forgiveness...and you can just feel the "but" coming. As another famous saint, Dr. Phil says, when a sentence has a "but" in it, you can ignore everything that came before the "but".

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forget what happened.

Is he really recycling the tired old phrase of the unforgiving: I may forgive but I won't forget? And if he takes the time to tell us what forgiveness is not, couldn't he also take the time to tell us what it is in this situation. Forgiveness is not peach cobbler, either, but that doesn't get us very far. And we should know what it is, since the Dalai Lama affirmed--remember, way back there before the "but"?--that bin Laden deserved it.

If something is serious and it is necessary to take counter-measures, you have to take counter-measures.

This provides no insight into this situation. One would first have to answer the "ifs" and define “something” and “serious,” and then describe "counter-measures" and then decide if said counter-measures are truly effective in addressing the "something" that is "serious."

Here’s my haiku translation of the Dalai Lama’s less-than-profound pronouncement:

If you deem something
necessary to do, think
Nike: just do it

So why make a big deal about this? Precisely because of the importance people attribute to the Dalai Lama's words. Precisely because the slant of this article could lead people to believe that it provides some sort of Buddhist Seal of Approval to the War on Terror. Precisely because people could be lulled into believing that the words really say something. As far as I can tell, they say nothing at all.

Let's not fabricate great meaning where there is only emptiness. Emptiness has its own profundity, I suppose...but I'll leave that to the Dalai Lama.